Reflection

It took sometime for me to begin with the first sentence. I was staring blankly at my lappie for a while, re-arranging my thoughts.

I had my usual end of the year ritual with Mrs Hijabsterina. We would reflect on significant events in our life throughout the year and strategising for the coming year. I didn’t know why but only with her I could shamelessly tell about my personal life, as in no filter, totally transparent. How I was hopping from one man to another, being confused, get caught in situations. I could never speak out to anyone that way. Perhaps it could be the fact that she went through similar cycle before and now happily settled down.

It all started with my ex fiancee. I told Mrs Hijabsterina that I wasn’t entirely certain how I felt about knowing he’s now in a steady 6-months relationship and currently on his Euro trip with his new girlfriend. But I knew it hit me somewhere. I wasn’t mad. Indeed I was glad for him. What makes me wonder only thing the fact that when I asked him if he was interested to go out with one of my girlfriend several weeks ago and he responded that he was tired of dating. It struck me why our relationship never worked out. After 5 years, he turned out to be the same old person. He could have just been frank by telling me that he was seeing someone rather than hiding his status. It was just like what he did to us when we were together and engaged. Denying his relationship status to other women. In the last 5 years, I thought it was me. I really thought perhaps I wasn’t good enough for him that he was denying my presence in his life to others (not all of course). Apparently, it was just his-thing of doing that – same script different cast.

Then for the first time I came out clean about all the men I was seeing this year. How I thought I should stop the vicious cycle. I just couldn’t go out with any since I have reached the level that my mind just went blank – wondering what am I doing with this particular person, that person and another person when I meet them. I couldn’t focus on the conversation at all and counting seconds. I kept asking myself why did I allow such thing. I cancelled my New Year’s eve date two days ago and cancelled another date on Thursday a few hours ago. I am way too confused. I know what I want but I keep on compromising it with other factors such as social status, material & monetary and corporate influence.

All I want is to genuinely be in love or could it be that in the post-dating era, relationship just get complicated and we have to tolerate certain values in order to gain something.

Nevertheless, I am highly optimistic that 2014 would certainly be a better year. Much better indeed. In terms of work, we had our last meeting for the year with our client. Next few weeks and months will be an exciting vibrant journey. I am now brushing up on my baking skills and has been consistently running for 3 months.

Happy New Year 2014 and keep your faith high.

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Diversion Of Two Stories

In my 20s, I had a different view on Sex and The City. I thought they were fabulous, independent and carefree. Eventually, my perception on the series changed as I entered 30. I realised that they are bunch of empty lonely four souls. Hopping from one man to another. Searching for the ONE. Is it because I could relate to them better now as opposed to when I was 20 and thought I had the time of world to settle down.

-Diversion-

When someone pointed out that my biological clock’s ticking. I wonder if that would be part of their tactics to make single woman like me to feel desperate for a companionship. I think these people need to employ better techniques in attracting woman. Yes, I love my niece to death. I am obsessed with her but that doesn’t mean I want to have my own kids. Like seriously, why should I even care about my biological clock giving siren when I don’t think I want a kid of my own. I doubt I have the capability to be a good mom. It is indeed funny how people create all these assumptions hoping that you would fear to be on your own, by yourself and randomly grab any opportunity in front of you without much thought. Everyone is responsible for their own life. Nobody should be blamed by then.

-Diversion-

Food For Thought

Food for thought before dozing off:

  1. Be grateful with all the good things happened today. Good life. Good food. Great company. Excellent health. As you may lose it someday.
  2. Have faith that tomorrow will be better than today and there is always something good in everyday.
  3. Smile and be kind to everyone even if they don’t treat you the way you expected to be treated because there are always others who would treat you well.
  4. Be bright and vibrant.
  5. What others think of you shall not matter at all since people has the tendency to define others based on their assumptions and perception without understanding the underlying situations. Hence, it is indeed a reflection of themselves. So F**K it!
  6. Stay balance and live moderately.

Yawwwwn…….

 

 

Love Is 1 In English But 2 In Malay

Those happened to stumble upon my old blog may have read gazillion of posts I wrote obsessing about Captain B. How much I adore him, waiting for his return, how he crushed my hopes and left me broken.

After a month of blocking him, I decided to remove his number from the Whatsapp’s blocking list. I believed he wouldn’t have been bothered to get in touch with me. I was absolutely wrong about this guy. He is unusually persistent. Nevertheless, I couldn’t understand for a fact that what is he trying to achieve here? Making peace with his past so that it will not ruin his present?

I thought we could escape the conversation about ‘US’ as it has been 1 year and 9 months since I last met him in Amsterdam. To be more precise, the moment when I allow myself to be vulnerable for a thing called ‘LOVE’. Or is it a feeling? Or is it a need?

As the conversation get intense, it hit me immediately that the word ‘LOVE’ in English has only one meaning. Contradictory to Malay, which the meaning could be further broken down into two phases of feeling which is ‘CINTA’ and ‘SAYANG’. Cinta could be the feeling developed when two person fall in love with each other and decided to be an item. Sayang could be the kind of feeling that you have for your family and friends i.e caring for them.

According to Captain B, I may not be his ‘CINTA’, but he never stops ‘SAYANG’ me. Deep and hurtful.

Transformer

So I battered my frustration tonight. As a result, we had a cute baby pink cake served for dessert.

Getting your mind off someone is a mental war. Just like trying to avoid consuming McDonald or KFC. Keeping my faith high. I secretly hope to hear from the person again.

I noticed he has changed remarkably. He wasn’t the same person I used to know. When I look at him now, I could see someone filled with ego and chauvinistic as opposed to the humble person I knew last year.

I Saw The Sign

In my religion, we normally pray 5 times a day. I was never the kind who seems to be bothered about all these until a year ago. Some of the experience I went through has brought me closer to my faith. Indeed, I wasn’t afraid to do and say the right thing as I new my intention was pure, besides being further supported with my prayers. As I started to pray, not exactly religiously 5 times a day (but I tried to), my life begins to move in a different direction. Having my career in place, surrounded by wonderful people, significant improvement in my financial capacity. I wasn’t sure if it was the prayers or somehow being close to God had indirectly change the way I perceive life.

What I began to wonder or can’t stop thinking about is that, there are also certain type of Solat that serves a specific purpose in life. If ones come upon a point in life, where they have to make a choice, apparently the Istikarah Solat would provide direction or indirect indication on the dilemma as part of the solution. According to people, the signs could come in ones’ dream or many other forms. Amazing but I am still looking for my signs or was I too blind to even notice them, being in the state of denial.

Achtung! Three Is (Always) A Crowd

I met a girlfriend of mine yesterday. I knew it must be something as she gave me a heads up on our catching up session.

As we met over coffee, we began to dive into her issues. The limbo of being emotionally attached to a married man. My friend wasn’t the kind of typical ordinary women. Indeed very well-educated, smart and intelligent. Coming from a quite decent family. But she wanted more in life and she was lured by this particular man, whom she met during her postgraduate study.

The friendship between this Adam and Eve started more than a year ago. I wouldn’t define what they have between them as friendship nor relationship. It appears to me like an affair. To begin with, one fine day, Adam suggested vacation to one of the neighboring country after being friends for about 3 months. Eve initially was quite hesitant to agree to the invitation until the man she was in love with at that time failed her. Never in her life she imagined to be the other woman. But as she drastically agreed to the vacation, she became ONE.

As they enter into the transaction, Eve never thought that it would lead to more than that until she realised that she has been thinking and wandering of Adam, even when she was seeing another person. Apparently, she confronted Adam a few days ago by telling him somebody was getting hurt from this. He asked whom and she replied his wife and kid. He told her that the kid doesn’t know about it, how could he gets hurt. Well, she said, if the mom knows about it, it would certainly affected the kid. And he seems to be avoiding the topic. They neither come to a mutual conclusion nor understanding. It was left hanging like the Garden of Babylon.

As I monitored her expression, I noticed she was very much calm. Perhaps it was something that she had anticipated. Assumptions running wild in my head. Was it the money that she was after? I highly doubt it since she was seeing one of the influential corporate figure followed by the grandson of the head of the land far far away in Borneo. Could it be love? the four letter words that definitely f**k her brain. The desire to love and to be loved? the fact that she tolerated with all the cancellations and empty promises, which she never did before. What I could assured here, she likes this guy more than any of the men she met before. Indeed she likes him more than like. The heart wants what it wants. And her heart wants nonsense.

What I learned here, as you get involved with a married man, at the end of the day, they move on. They have got nothing to lose. They go back to their cozy warm house. Laughing and sharing their lives with their wife and children.

So what happened to the other woman? She was left in the cold dark room. Status-less. Not putting any hopes. Not knowing what to do. And he promised to catch up for coffee, which he never did.

P/S: Someone told me once, being with a single man is like going for a dive. Being with a married man is similar to snorkeling. You don’t get hurt that much. It’s a mutually agreed transaction with pre-identified risks.