1Q2014

It has been a wonderful 1Q2014. Surrounded by superb-ly awesome people. Focus on those who wants and chooses to stay in our life. Make people addicted to our presence as we bring joy and happiness to them. Be kind even if others were unkind to us since at the end of the day, it brings us peace and calmness. Ultimately always be grateful with what we have, there are people who may want it so badly. Alhamdulillah

Options

Noone deserves to be treated like an option. Free yourself from those who treat you like an option so that you could be treated like a priority by others. Dont discount your selfworthiness. Have faith that there will be someone out there that will make you their top priorities.

Exhaustive

I hope i could leave captain b behind and never to mention him here. I have been rationalising and reminding myself in the last few days on what he had done. Things he said.
Not that i wanted to be in the past. Just to continuously eliminate any forms of feelings which may be developed. I remembered when he came back last 2 years and told me at the very last minute before he left that things arent working out between us. And again he came back early last repeating it. Then he came back middle of the year confessing that he was in a relationship. Next a text message somewhere end of last year that he loves me but not the kind of love people would develop a relationship with. And so he asked me last friday, what had he done to me.

I know for sure that he didnt want to commit to someone who does not belong to influential background as to compare to his exes.

There are people who left you for good. But dealing with a recurring pattern can be extremely frustrating. He asked where was i when he needed someone. I wonder what should i do if he was already in a relationship. So i moved on and do my own things, exploring new stuff, build new network and friendships, managing my emotions, repairing my relationship with my parents and reinstalling my faith.

A Doll In The City

I went out for night outing with capt b n out of the blue we discussed about us. I have been avoiding the topic as i know it would be frustrating. Hence i am sick and tired of people treating me like an object. At least if you are not capable to look after my feeling then dont try to repeat doing the same thing over and over again. Everyone deserves to be happy and respected.
He denied what he did. When he was the one decided not to proceed with us as he feels like i dont fit in his criteria. And that happened after 6months of waiting. He talked about my personal life as if he knows what was going on when the truth is my happiness now was solely because of how i change doing certain things.
I was a bit mad but i held myself back. I told myself that there was nothing to be mad about since he knows nothing about me. The hard times he gave me and i had to go through. To re-install my trust, hopes and faith.
He said i have moved on with a new person. Reality is yes i moved on but just with myself. Maybe the new me. When he said he missed me and he wanted me, i wanted to reciprocate but i was too afraid to do so. Ive done that and it was detrimental to myself. He left and crushed me. He is just too risky and i am tired of the uncertainties.
At my age, i just want a person i could focus on and grow together. I am no longer interested with other factors such as status and so on. I believe it is vital to enter into a relationship with a clean intention. I want a simple relationship with less tension and all. I am tired hearing to excuses and flaws. Nobody is perfect in this world. Being a true scorpio, this time it is either all or nothing. Dont expect me to be there for you when you are only fooling around with my feelings and showering women with false hopes. I may not be the fairest or wealthiest of them all but when i have decided to enter into a transaction, my love and loyalty shall remain.

I-cessorize

I know i couldnt focus on any conversation during break or meal or in an outing. I have the tendency to withdraw and zone out. Perhaps thinking about my life or could be i chose to be ignorant so that i wouldnt get myself hurt or compared my life to others. As people continue to talk, my mind randomly venture into i dont know, my dwell into my past. Or maybe i am just tired listening to people bragging and telling lies.
But i shouldnt be generalising it to everyone and cherish the moment people decided to spend with you. Sometimes i would categorise myself in the family of punching bag. Listening to problems of others, still meeting people who have least/no appreciation. People who treat you like accessories.