Money is a sign of independence and freedom.


Month 1 – January

I wokeup from a dream. Texted E to tell about my dream. One month and i dreamt him. I asked E if he was thinking of me too? She politely replied that he could have. Decided to go back to sleep, hoping to continue with my dream not until 5 mins later, i received a call.

The name appeared on my screen seems familiar. And it was him. I didnt know why did i answer the phone and agreed to visit a friend of his, who was warded. Courtesy. Do good to others, good come to you in many forms.

I observed him. Ring – something new. Could have been new year resolution. I continued to observe. The day was warm and heaty. One mojito, two mojito. Was i being judgemental? No. But i keep on wondering how did i allow myself to sink so low to this person.

Or why?

He acted as if nothing ever happened or like he has not done anything, not wronnbut hurtful. I supposed this is how i should be responding too. Ignore my feelings and focus on professionalism. Or being superficial. Taking advantage on others. Manipulate situations for own benefits.

I believe this must be part of the survival kit which i am still an amateur. Pratic3 makes perfect my dear.

Describing In No Words

I do not know how to describe my feeling.

I refused to meet anyone other than related to family and work matters. Didnt want to talk about what had already happened. We can never change the past. Regrets are beneficial only if we learn something from it and not to ponder on the thoughts for too long.

It is never too late to change and try doing things against our usual habit in order to gain different results and outcom3. Keep on trying and support our actions by keepimg our faith high. At the end of the day, He decides if something was meant for us or otherwise.

Life has been quiet. I didnt miss anyone. I couldnt cry as from the beginning it was partly my fault. My inability to avoid temptations. How did i fall for the bait?

I assumed that the search for true love ends here. Sad? Definitely. Like i said no words could d3scrib3 it. Other than connectimg myself to th3 Creator. Maybe He understands better.

When lov3 fails us, do we live only to survive. Again i wonder, what is the purpose of life?

P/s: f*** grammar and all.

It’s Just A Little Rush!

Went to work and interview yesterday without sleeping. And here am i still trying to sleep. Feeling the rush of the blood flow circulating my body. Just done revising the corporate and investment advisory textbook. I need dummy for investm3nt banking. 10 more chapters to go and 3 weeks to the exam.

I couldn’t sit still. Out of sudden i have so many things in the agenda and accomplish in a day. I hardly check my phone. Slowly recoverimg from digital addiction. Been commuting ev3ryday since last week to my favorite town.

I keep on reminding myself to appreciate the presence of those around me especially with my mom. I really want to fix us and need to learn to tolerate many things by keeping myself occupied with exam, project, side income.

Dysfunctional Thought

The thought of my family had conquered my mind in the last few days. I wonder how long more do i need to protest against my parents’ action since it doesn’t change anything. Nothing can be undone.

I wonder what went on their mind when the marriage couldn’t be saved. How do they truly felt about that. The divorce without doubt had caused a lot of damage to each an every individual of our family member.

It got worst when my mom re-married. We all felt like we have nobody to turn to. Like all our hopes have b3en tarnished and our world collapsed. The relationship among our siblings transformed since then. Not in a good way. Very intense and emotional indeed.

Everybody gets sensitive over little things. Some issues have been manipulate for one own benefit.

I thinj my mom changed since her first separation with my dad. From that moment, we lost her not physically but spiritually and emotionally. She was too engrossed with some weird ideas that i often felt like she had neglected her duty as a mom to us maybe 17 years ago. She became overly aggressive and vocal. Refused to listen to anyone includin her parents. It got even critical when she re-married. We hardly get our relatives visiting us. She didn’t even care anymore on what we do. Yes we have all grown up. But would be good for parents to show some interest in their childrens’ life.

I missed those days. A lot. At times i hope, they would have aborted us.

Keep On Dreaming

Rumi said “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”

Three weeks. Certainly breaking but what was I expecting.

I do not know what is god preparing me for. I didn’t know why am I having this negative feeling. Could be one of those days, where our emotions conquer the mind. I just feel like sleeping and stay in my dream. The only moment presently that I could see him. Hoping and still hoping for unrealistic need. A dream that will never come true.

The more you are hurt. The more you become numb and stop reacting to the surrounding. Have I been transformed into a mechanical device. To live for money.