My heartache

I am heartbroken. The person that i like told me today he has found a friend with benefit (fwb).

I need to pimp myself to look like one of those polished girls. Else i will always be sideline in the friendzone.

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Love

I don’t really know where to begin as i have been idle from here for too long. I finished my exam. During the study leave, i went through an extremely stressful period. I feel helpless.

At that point of time, i made a decision which i never thought i would. I will not continue with the paper even if i pass it. And i want to seriously settle down.

I am done with career, studies, trying to break the glass ceiling that never broken in making way to me. I have tried many ways and things. I believed god purposely made me to go through all these in order for me to come to such dratic decision.

I don’t know where to start or find a life partner. But i gave faith in god. He will help me. As i am very adamant with this intention. I hope to be with someone that love me so much that he would do anything that i never thought anyone would do it. I want to be so deeply in love. To feel love. To live for love.

Third Wheel

Being the other woman is a taboo. Nobody talks about it openly. Not even to the closest person in our life. Why? People generally judge. How can we faced the society as the other woman? The answer is simple. We can’t.

Hence, we normally lead a very low profile life. No names mentioned. Always anonymous. Close to invisible. Indeed his existence is also unnoticeable.

We wait for his texts and calls. His timing. His place. No messages at night or weekends.

For 1.5 years i coped with these. But he changed after 2 years. These rules are still in placed, with a slight flexibility.

We choose this path for many reasons. The question is… why did i?

I was in relationship with a bachelor before. Prior to that I was seeing single men too. The issue here can be narrowed down to one – they always play the single card to attract woman.

Givings hope or putting expectations like – i am looking for someone to get married. We are/will move towards that direction (marriage).

After the last break up. I decided not to date til he popped up. He was very clear from the very beginning that he has no intention to marry me. Very much in love with his wife. I accepted. Until now, i was never disappointed at him.

It is important for the other woman to understand where she belongs without being told to. Always in the dark. Looking at other couples and admiring their open affection. But again, will i have that with a single man? I doubt so. In my situation, both will treat me the same. Pessimistic? No. A conclusion drawn through experience.

How did i make it this long? I often asked myself, will it be better with a single guy? No. Then stay as the third wheeler.

Farewell 2017

I gave in to his wants. Spreading my legs to him while bidding farewell to 2017.

But who am i saving myself for? A future partner. Single for 3years. Waited. Behaved. Limiting and consuming myself.

What different does it make with this act of sin. It results in the same outcome. selflessness. Invaluable. I succumb to the fact that or reality that you will only be treated well or to be taken seriously, if only you come from a prominent/privileged background. Nobody wants to be burden with responsibilities. Everybody wants to be associated with the glam and glitz. Easy life.

Acknowledging my guilt to his partner. But not to myself. As i have no value. Living to die. I go through everyday waiting for my moment of death. Accident or sudden chronic health problems. How dramatic can life be?

My life is meaningless. Carrying little weight to anyone and everyone. My presence doesn’t impact much. Hence my abscence will not be felt. I am just an air molecule.

I am a whore, bitch, slut. Whatever names that u can call a woman with eroding morality like me.

I am used to being laughed at, downgraded and insulted. Being pushed to the corner, stepped over and stripped naked. Never the first option or top any priority list. Always the fall back plan. Yet still happy to always accompany others. As i understand how it feels to be left alone and lonely. To search for a companionship. Hence i will always be there for whom ever that will need it. Regardless of how i am being treated. Not complaining but just sharing.

He, has a sterling reputation, a smooth sailing solid career, a loving and wonderful family. A depiction of a perfect life. Any men could envy and would want to switch their role with.

The opposite of me. Still/always trying and never made it.

He taught me to control my emotions. Not to react to anything. As much as he considered me as the spur of the moment and my non existence in his reality. He did skip his 4hours meeting just to serve his personal wishes. Then rushed off to dinner with his in laws. Well men get away with anything. A woman like me floats.

Who am i to demand for his presence. I’d disappear when his fantasies change. Sooner or later. I am just a phase in his life or in everyone’s life. Never permanent.

Decluttering

Weeks prior to my trip to Turkey, I decided to clean up my list of acquiantances. I left several group chats and blocked a long list of contacts. I just wanted a peaceful life. Make new friends and contacts. Leave my old troublesome chaotic life behind. Some took it personally and some were startled.

I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. But all i wanted is real true friends. Friends who would stick to you through ups and downs. Laugh and cry with you. Motivate and support you.

Two days ago, a former fellow colleague of mine forwarded an article about my former boss. I wasn’t surprise at all to be frank. Whenever he got appointed as a chairman, nasty news will be reported on him. But what truly got into our attention mainly, i guessed, was his list of female acquaintances. I felt sorry to one of them indeed, as she was quoted of getting a job through him and her linked with him was questioned when she had actually worked for him for a year. They even posted her photo. How nasty can it be? As far as i know, she is well qualified and had served several GLCs prior to joining my former boss. It was definitely a huge lie and bias in reporting.

But it was a blessings in diaguise as I dissociated myself from controversial figures in advance. Alhamdullillah, i am grateful to god for protecting me from anything that can be unhealthy and dangerous to myself in all aspects.

My version of eat, pray, love – the healing city of Pamukkale

I reached Denizli early morning and took a dolmus (minibus) to Pamukkale. Pamukkale is a very small town, famous for the thermal hot spring and the unesco world heritage site – hierapolis. Hierapolis is an ancient greek-roman (bathing) city. 

I didn’t take any guide here. So i had to walk to the entranceof hierapolis. There are 3 entrances – north gate, south gate and the travertine gate. I entered through the travertine as that was the nearest to my hotel and climbed up the rich in calcium heel. In the noon, i saw many tourist actually bathing at the travertine and also the cleopatra thermal pool in hierapolis. The is a huge amphitheatre that as you reach up of the theatre, you could get a view of the whole ancient town and city of Pamukkale.

Since Pamukkale is a small town, choices of food are limited and expensive. I got bored with Pamukkale after 3hours. I didnt bring my bathing suit so i couldnt dip in the hot spring pool. And i have checked-in for a night. Therefore, i spent the rest of the day reading the alchemist.

A half day trip to Pamukkale should be enough. There is nothing much to see in Hierapolis. Or maybe you could just leave Pamukkale out of your itinerary. Owh the town is also famous for paragliding activity but I didn’t ask how much.

To be continued on the next city…