It took sometime for me to begin with the first sentence. I was staring blankly at my lappie for a while, re-arranging my thoughts.

I had my usual end of the year ritual with Mrs Hijabsterina. We would reflect on significant events in our life throughout the year and strategising for the coming year. I didn’t know why but only with her I could shamelessly tell about my personal life, as in no filter, totally transparent. How I was hopping from one man to another, being confused, get caught in situations. I could never speak out to anyone that way. Perhaps it could be the fact that she went through similar cycle before and now happily settled down.

It all started with my ex fiancee. I told Mrs Hijabsterina that I wasn’t entirely certain how I felt about knowing he’s now in a steady 6-months relationship and currently on his Euro trip with his new girlfriend. But I knew it hit me somewhere. I wasn’t mad. Indeed I was glad for him. What makes me wonder only thing the fact that when I asked him if he was interested to go out with one of my girlfriend several weeks ago and he responded that he was tired of dating. It struck me why our relationship never worked out. After 5 years, he turned out to be the same old person. He could have just been frank by telling me that he was seeing someone rather than hiding his status. It was just like what he did to us when we were together and engaged. Denying his relationship status to other women. In the last 5 years, I thought it was me. I really thought perhaps I wasn’t good enough for him that he was denying my presence in his life to others (not all of course). Apparently, it was just his-thing of doing that – same script different cast.

Then for the first time I came out clean about all the men I was seeing this year. How I thought I should stop the vicious cycle. I just couldn’t go out with any since I have reached the level that my mind just went blank – wondering what am I doing with this particular person, that person and another person when I meet them. I couldn’t focus on the conversation at all and counting seconds. I kept asking myself why did I allow such thing. I cancelled my New Year’s eve date two days ago and cancelled another date on Thursday a few hours ago. I am way too confused. I know what I want but I keep on compromising it with other factors such as social status, material & monetary and corporate influence.

All I want is to genuinely be in love or could it be that in the post-dating era, relationship just get complicated and we have to tolerate certain values in order to gain something.

Nevertheless, I am highly optimistic that 2014 would certainly be a better year. Much better indeed. In terms of work, we had our last meeting for the year with our client. Next few weeks and months will be an exciting vibrant journey. I am now brushing up on my baking skills and has been consistently running for 3 months.

Happy New Year 2014 and keep your faith high.


One thought on “Reflection

  1. I have a theory on love, which is that it (like everything else) comes from survival instinct. So, if you really want to be love then you need to find someone who you need to survive (and who needs you to survive as well). This is why darkly lit rooms and log cabins are deemed romantic. It’s that element of fear and danger that drives you to need the other person.

    Unfortunately, in the modern world people often don’t need each other because machines and the government provide all their basic needs. So, “love” ends up requiring a considerable amount of extra effort, like putting on a play. It’s just a game, so for people who aren’t good actors, it makes sense that it would eventually fall apart.

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