I (just) don’t know

I am very depress. Feeling tired from struggling with emotions. The direction seems grey and hazy. But i choose to continue moving forward. Hoping for some lights at the end of the tunnel.

Its tiring. I questioned the purpose of life. Feels like im stuck and never grow. 

It has been very painful. None of my relationships workable. I stopped wondering, hoping. I totally trashed away the idea of marriage and family. Like i said i dont know how thay would even going to happen.

I just dont know.

Ears & Eyes

Dear Melati,

Eid Mubarak. I am in a war with my ownself. Tiring. But i found out my emotions turned up to be my worst enemy. I have expectations that many times i looked beyond flaw. I struggled to accept imperfection. It will be a long journey. 

People viewed my life as a joke. I moved from one job to another. My last job, i was the ears and the eyes to the 2nd most important person in the administration. It was rough. Too rough that it scarred me so much. 

I am beginning to question the purpose of life. I dont know what have i been trying to attain. As i ended no where. Nothing close. 

Perhaps my last position was a mistake but it could have also been a blessing. I dont know.

But at least i tried. I failed. And i gather the strength and courage to rebuild myself.

How?

Here am I…Don’t know how i feel or whether I am hoping..I live life as is..

People cross our path for many reasons and they are bound to happen even if we we think that it could have been different.

I am extremely exhausted..I dont know how others did it..

A Bug’s Life

I got into heated conversation with Big when he asked why did I removed him from my IG account and he started to speculate about my past relationship with Teddy Boy. I was perplexed because he was the one who decided to remain friends and hence I stayed away from him because I find the whole situation was rather confusing.

I felt nothing. I even felt nothing when I found out to whom he was going to marry because Teddy Boy has told me about her past. However, I am in no position to judge people. Everyone is pretty much screwed up when they were younger or even still now. There were people who even cheated on their marriage in their late 30s as a result of mid-life crisis maybe?.There were people who got cheated by their partner with some low class worker..There were people who were pretty agitated to receive their medical results after knowing one of their sleeping partner had STD…

When Big said that he liked me a lot, i thought it was a bit inappropriate for a fact that he was going to get marry. As much as he told me he’s glad to end his journey of singlehood, which I am very much happy for him, and how amazing she is, I still don’t see the purpose of his conversation to be speaking about my past relationship with Teddy Boy and talked about how Teddy Boy ruined his reputation, in which he found out from his future wife.┬áBecause he should be grateful that it all happened for a good reason.

What I am a bit confused until today was that he said Teddy Boy has been spreading rumours about him to his future wife. But he said that Teddy Boy did that to get into my pants. So the mislinkages here..how both even connected…

It could either be, Teddy Boy talked shit about him to his future wife cos Teddy Boy wants to get into his future wife pants..But on the hand, why would Teddy Boy even do that because as far as I know, they started to get really close after Teddy Boy left her. They as in Teddy Boy and Big.

Whatever it is I am very grateful to be out of the picture. Big can speculate as much as he wanted but only Teddy Boy and I knew what happened between us. Big asked me why didn’t I even informed him that I was going out with Teddy Boy. I get more confused here because Big was the one who has stopped contacting me.. I did ask him for lunch as a friend.. He was the one acting weird.. Such a weird situation however i am very glad that he’s getting married..

My biggest mistake was Big. He ruined all my prospects. Teddy Boy was just a phase of transition between jobs. Teddy Boy was there supporting me when I was at the lowest point of my career. Of course, Big would accused that he said things that I wanted to hear. But what was wrong, I listen to no one.

When Big brought up about Teddy Boy flying his new fling to Bali. Big needs to understand that┬áthere is more to this action. It was an action out of assumption. Assumption that someone felt he had been cheated. Only God knows what truly happened. Even Teddy Boy didn’t really know what happened. He was acting out of insecurity just like how Big precisely pointed out. Perfect orchestration!

From the very bottom of my heart, I am glad on Big getting hitched. I became the luckiest girl on earth the moment Teddy Boy left me. I am happy that I felt nothing. Zero and zombie.

My only concern now is my kid brother. I pray to God for his smooth sailing journey in life.