Family constellation

I joined the family constellation free online course on Thursday. It was eye-opening, interesting and practical. Coming from a broken family, i can totally relate to the content. They were right on point. But i must caution some parts maybe difficult to digest as it can get emotional for someone like me as we tried to live in denial and ignore reality/facts.

Crystal For Dummies

I received my crystals earlier this week. They were tiger’s eye, black tourmaline and citrine. I bought them based on what I think I needed. Root and solar plexus chakra.

After cleaning them, I suddenly felt an extremely intense conflict in energy. They were my first. I have only heard about the energy of crystals and never truly know whether to believe them or otherwise. I felt overpower. So I decided to put them back in the water with himalayan salts. It helps to neutralise the energy. Slightly.

The next day, I had to throw them away as I couldn’t handle the energy. I felt anxious and paranoid.

Several days later I chatted with someone on IG. That person posted something about crystal. I told her about my experience and she asked me. What color am I attracted to when I look at crystals. I replied blue and green. But they are not my favourite colors certainly as I dont look good in them. So she explained the issue is my throat and heart chakra. Spot on though.

From that experienced, I learned that we buy crystals based on attraction and not on the premise of thinking that we need them. Even if we need them, we need to get the one that we are drawn too. I guessed is because we will form a relationship with the crystal. Hence there has got to be some level of attraction as we need to care and nurture them, whilst they help to heal ourself/environment or manifest our intention.

Yet I am still traumatised from this experience and need the the space to recover. I am also beginning to believe in the energy of crystal as I have felt it.

Dim

My life has no hope. I am running out of hopes. No alternatives. No plan B. I am ending up as a mediocre. I lost my confidence, spark, passion.

I guessed i’m tired trying, proving, validating myself. it has nothing glorious to talk about. I am just like any other 80% of ordinary people in the country.

Sad and pathetic. So i chose to remain low and silent. Not seeing anyone. Just me and my cocoon. I never planned it this way. I always had my drive and ideas. But now I’m running out of fuel. perhaps an expired spinster enter pre-menopausal phase.

For years ive been craving for love, to love, to be loved, to be hugged, to be cares for. But it all weren’t meant for me. Life is cold and freezing.

My looks will fade, my name will not be muttered, my presence is ignored.

Pandemic Chaos

You can do 100 good deeds and a mistake but people will remember the mistake instead of the good deeds you have done. That is life.

Perhaps i am the villain. I am tired of being good and trying to be good. In the end people will still highlight my flaws. I am tired being surrounded by people who doesnt appreciate my presence. I am tired of being used. People only come to you when they need you and trash you away when they dont. I am tired knowing how fake can one be and yet others were impressed by them. We are easily impressed by fakeness.

Sometimes i feel like the current ongoing pandemic could be a blessing in disguise. Resetting life as people stop socialising, stop travelling, the norm is being put to a halt. But i am not sure that once it subside, whether these norm will be reinstated. I hope not.

We put so much emphasis of being out there, constantly doing something, always surrounded by people. Portraying the image of likability, happening and highly sociable. we forgot to value solitude, the art of being alone, staying at home and do house chores. We just feel the need to be out and about with someone to update our social media. With the aggressive spread of the pandemic, it put a temporary stop to act of oppression as everyone focuses on suppressing the spread and avoiding being infected. For once those who has been oppressed for years, experience peace and calmness.

Noone wants economy meltdown as a result of the pandemic. but we need it to stabilise our surroundings. We are wrapped by fake image of wealth. People who are willing to financially stretched themselves to appear upclass and mock those who didnt. It certainly will tone down arrogance and ego. Making us realised that everything we have is temporary and could be taken away anytime.

Things around us were getting out of control. We failed to be and act human. We are worst than animal. We treated others with no respect. Taking advantage of them. Step on them. Humiliate them. For satisfaction. How could people go through their daily life knowing how they oppress others? What were they thinking when they pray? Was there a big hole in their heart that they failed to demonstrate compassion and give empathy? I wonder.

Fear of the Past

I came across a post on IG about FEAR. Embracing it just like how we embrace our dreams.

It then made me realised that my biggest fear is that if my past ever haunts me. What if my future partner found out about my past? And he couldn’t accept it and left? Hence, why i constantly run away from relationship. I was hiding my past. Burying them underneath my thoughts. If i didn’t deal with this, i will never be able to get into a relationship.

How do we deal with our past and move forward?

Dealbreaker

“We need to sort out one more thing”

“What is it”

“Our belief systen cos’ I’ve stopped believing in god and religion, whilst you are a muslim and i understand the expectations when marrying a muslim man”

“Then this doesn’t work for us”

It was the dealbreaker during my conversation yesterday with Rooty. Apparently, for so-called religious men, being an atheist is a no-go direction. As if you don’t have good values. And yet they could roam around with various girls while being married, toying with their feelings, ruining their hopes.

At least as an atheist, I tried not to do that and thus far, I didn’t. So am i still a bad person?

Silverlining of 2019

I thought i will be closing 2019 with a wide smile spreading from one ear to another. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I have been excluded in all work email communications by Alexis.

Rooty advised not to react and to pretend business as usual. But the act was becoming too noticeable to not notice. Even others are beginning to wonder.

In hindsight, i thought it could also be a good thing. I could focus on my main portfolio and slowly pass over the task to the respective departments that were supposed to be in-charged.

I guessed in doubts and crisis, we shall eye for window of opportunities. Be smart. No hate, anger and revenge.

Reboot

Why did i do all those things back then? Why didn’t i focus on empowering myself? Why was i driven by shallow thoughts?

It has been 10 years of enduring suffering from my past actions and it will continue further. I couldn’t take it anymore. Noone cares. Noone knows and understands what i am going through. Noone bothers.

I want to go back and reboot. But of course there are some parts i couldn’t as it has become part of me.

Serene

Last week i found out why people who suffered from anxiety and depression choose to sleep or isolate themselves – cos it feels so safe. Like noone will hurt you. You are not vulnerable to any emotional and psychological abuse. It gives a sense of serenity and calmness.

I wish i could just locked myself in my room and sleep all day. Not like anyone cares.

Blank

I learned today that i don’t deserve any attention from anyone. I am invisible. I mean nothing. I don’t know why we brought living being into this world and let them being neglected. Regardless how old we are, we need attention. We need to be loved.

In the eye of others, i am just a troubled person. Regardless how much effort i put and how hard i try, they will be ignored. They are meaningless. It is always easy to criticise not realising how much thoughts being put into a matter.