Turn

We plan. We tried to control. We tried to do the right thing. And keep trying.

But life often took a different turn. Unexpected surprising ones indeed. It can be a beautiful or ugly turn.

Always remember that everything we go through in life is written. What doesn’t break us make us stronger. Stop wondering ‘if only’. Quit playing the if-scenarios. As it is meant for us. Promises we made before we were born into this world.

Keep our faith in god. Keep believing on god. Only seek help from god. He will certainly open doors or make ways for solutions to all the trouble we have in life. Nothing is permanent in life. Same goes to our problems.

Prayer

I pray to god to ease my transfer process and to always protect me. i pray to god that i am always patience, calm and decisive.

I pray to god to not make me suffer from all the sins that i have committed, to forgive me and to always guide me to the right path.

I pray to god that i will never stop praying

I welcome 2021 with plenty of tears. Never in my life my new year has been so painful, hurtful and shameful. I feel rejected and unloved. Troubled. Complicated. Difficult to be loved.

My career is going south. my relationship is a total failure. my family is pretty much non-existence. I am just me alone in this world.

I live a failed life. I didn’t know where went wrong but i feel like an object rather than human. People are just using me. Noone cares about how i feel, how i was doing, have i eaten, how was my day, how is my work, what did i do today.

My life is so empty. I feel so sick and painful. I am tired. Tired of trying. Tired of judgement. I feel totally hopeless. I don’t even know why was j born i in this world or why would people give birth to a living being and made them face this world alone.

I just want to leave and go far. Far away from everyone. Just far.

Dec 2020

I got my heartbroken in 2020. Uncertainties in career. Got fooled multiple ties. Being used like an object. Fighting the bias subtle racism at workplace. I have never envisaged my life to be this way in 2020. Failed and lonely in every aspects.

I am tired. Please pray that I die. So that i can be at peace or atleast people around me can be at peace.

Alexis

Every guy that i got closed with, who leave a print in my heart has a unique nickname. Their nickname could be based on their hobby, habit, special food, work nature, place of living etc.

I met Alexis over 3 years ago. It was love at first sight. Well for me at least. Alexis because it was the first place we dined and where we got into awkward situation that led to almost a year of no communication. But i never forget him. The feelings remained. I dated and still think of him. The thought of him often crosses my mind. I knew he doesn’t feel the same way and prefers to remain friend. But as we got closer, the feeling gets stronger. I keep on falling in love when i see him and still bearing the same emotion til now even after 3 years. I am struggling with this feeling and i dont know how will it end or will it ever end.

He made me the person i have been searching for. Bringing the best out of me. I always wanted to touch him. Hug him. Stare at his face. Hopefully wake up in the morning in his arm someday.

This Is It

I will be 37 in 2 months. Single. No relationship. No career. Still struggling to break the glass ceiling, despite working hard. No network. Nothing branded. Same old car. Same old place where I grew up.

I am an overseas graduate. A scholar. But i pretty much fail in life. Stagnant career. Still searching for window of opportunities. I never pictured my 37 year old life to be mediocre. I always imagined i would have settled down with kids and high flying career. Wearing nice clothes and carrying my dream handbag. Classy stylish elegant. A mentor to others. I thought. Or i wished. But hard work brings you nowhere.

You must learn to fake happiness, politeness and confidence. I am pretty much done trying and pleasing. I have no love. I crave to be loved. To be desired. To be a pride to my partner. I am tired.

I tried to be nice. Kind. Friendly. Low profile. But these are the wrong values in life to adopt in order to be successful.

Noone truly cares how i feel. Whether i am sad. Lonely. Disappointed. Whether i need someone. Companionship. Relationship.

People are just using others. Especially if they noticed how keen you are to be recognised. Acknowledged. To be part of a tribe or clique.

In the end you need to set your boundaries and limits. Whether it is worth the sacrifice. The waiting. The patience. The explanation. The cancellations. Sometimes you must decide to move alone.

Life is lonely. Bias. Ruthless. Cruel.

My 2020 wishes

I want love and to be loved.

I want someone who is proud to have me. Someone who wants to share experiences with me and create memories together. Someone who loves me so much that he will never let me go. Someone who plans thing and make it work. Someone who wants to know whats in my mind without getting offended and someone who allows me to be myself. Someone who values my effort and sacrifices. Someone who doesnt take me for granted. Someone who is supportive of my career and pushes me to be a better person. Someone who is reliable and protective of me. Someone grounded.

Hopes

I hope he feels for me the way he felt towards his ex fiancee. I longed for such feelings.

I hope he treats me the way he did to her. I craved for such treatment.

I hope he is proud of to have me the way how he was proud to have her. I longed for such behaviour.

I hope he loves me they way he loved her. I longed for such love.

False hope

I thought i found love. I thought he is my twinflame. GEorge was fun as a friend. He seems open despite being judgemental sometimes. Sadly he completely changed the moment we got into relationship.

He constantly complaints and criticised. Becoming oversenstive and overreact in most cases. Overly insecure. I didn’t know why. He treated me as if I have cheated on him. He rushed into things. When he is angry, he just say anything that makes him feel satisfied.

I became quiet. I didn’t know what i should say most of the time. I felt neglected. I wasnt heard. If i react i will be told of as being too sensitive. I cant take jokes. Boring and many more. I was feeling vulnerable. Trying my best to avoid him.

I was beginning to feel like i am the man in the relationship. It is important for me to feel like a woman. So we ended us after a month.

Blessed 2020

I started my healing journey in April during the movement control order. I was stressed, in pain, hurt. I was filled with anger, resentment, guilt and shame. All sorts of negative emotions. You name it, they were there in me.

Although i was sceptical at the beginning but i was adamant of healing. Changing myself. Learning to appreciate myself, my life, my surroundings.

In the process of healing, i joined online courses and workshop on self-love, family constellation, meditations and chakra opening and balancing. I learned so many things from things that I used to take for granted. It was eye opening. I developed new interest in crystals. Learning about their healing power.

I found love 2 months later. Unexpected. I knew he and i will come together again but i never expected that he would ask me to be his girlfriend that quick. Just in the first reconciliation/reconnection meet-up. I never thought i would open to accept and give love. I wasn’t afraid at all. I am filled with joy and i am feeling calm. I didn’t know how it works but I managed to love someone so dearly without fear as if those heartache in the past never occurred.

Refreshing. I feel rejuvenated. I am amazed. This is what 2020 about for me. The pandemic was certainly a blessings in disguise to me.

I also fixed my relationship with my dad. After 1 year of not seeing and talking to each other.

My life is complete. I feel complete. I am blessed and grateful. I am surrounded by the people i love. My parents, siblings, boyfriend and closed friends. It all just got fixed like that. Like how did that happen? Where went wrong before?