Prayer

I pray to god to ease my transfer process and to always protect me. i pray to god that i am always patience, calm and decisive.

I pray to god to not make me suffer from all the sins that i have committed, to forgive me and to always guide me to the right path.

I pray to god that i will never stop praying

Dec 2020

I got my heartbroken in 2020. Uncertainties in career. Got fooled multiple ties. Being used like an object. Fighting the bias subtle racism at workplace. I have never envisaged my life to be this way in 2020. Failed and lonely in every aspects.

I am tired. Please pray that I die. So that i can be at peace or atleast people around me can be at peace.

Alexis

Every guy that i got closed with, who leave a print in my heart has a unique nickname. Their nickname could be based on their hobby, habit, special food, work nature, place of living etc.

I met Alexis over 3 years ago. It was love at first sight. Well for me at least. Alexis because it was the first place we dined and where we got into awkward situation that led to almost a year of no communication. But i never forget him. The feelings remained. I dated and still think of him. The thought of him often crosses my mind. I knew he doesn’t feel the same way and prefers to remain friend. But as we got closer, the feeling gets stronger. I keep on falling in love when i see him and still bearing the same emotion til now even after 3 years. I am struggling with this feeling and i dont know how will it end or will it ever end.

He made me the person i have been searching for. Bringing the best out of me. I always wanted to touch him. Hug him. Stare at his face. Hopefully wake up in the morning in his arm someday.

This Is It

I will be 37 in 2 months. Single. No relationship. No career. Still struggling to break the glass ceiling, despite working hard. No network. Nothing branded. Same old car. Same old place where I grew up.

I am an overseas graduate. A scholar. But i pretty much fail in life. Stagnant career. Still searching for window of opportunities. I never pictured my 37 year old life to be mediocre. I always imagined i would have settled down with kids and high flying career. Wearing nice clothes and carrying my dream handbag. Classy stylish elegant. A mentor to others. I thought. Or i wished. But hard work brings you nowhere.

You must learn to fake happiness, politeness and confidence. I am pretty much done trying and pleasing. I have no love. I crave to be loved. To be desired. To be a pride to my partner. I am tired.

I tried to be nice. Kind. Friendly. Low profile. But these are the wrong values in life to adopt in order to be successful.

Noone truly cares how i feel. Whether i am sad. Lonely. Disappointed. Whether i need someone. Companionship. Relationship.

People are just using others. Especially if they noticed how keen you are to be recognised. Acknowledged. To be part of a tribe or clique.

In the end you need to set your boundaries and limits. Whether it is worth the sacrifice. The waiting. The patience. The explanation. The cancellations. Sometimes you must decide to move alone.

Life is lonely. Bias. Ruthless. Cruel.

My 2020 wishes

I want love and to be loved.

I want someone who is proud to have me. Someone who wants to share experiences with me and create memories together. Someone who loves me so much that he will never let me go. Someone who plans thing and make it work. Someone who wants to know whats in my mind without getting offended and someone who allows me to be myself. Someone who values my effort and sacrifices. Someone who doesnt take me for granted. Someone who is supportive of my career and pushes me to be a better person. Someone who is reliable and protective of me. Someone grounded.

Blessed 2020

I started my healing journey in April during the movement control order. I was stressed, in pain, hurt. I was filled with anger, resentment, guilt and shame. All sorts of negative emotions. You name it, they were there in me.

Although i was sceptical at the beginning but i was adamant of healing. Changing myself. Learning to appreciate myself, my life, my surroundings.

In the process of healing, i joined online courses and workshop on self-love, family constellation, meditations and chakra opening and balancing. I learned so many things from things that I used to take for granted. It was eye opening. I developed new interest in crystals. Learning about their healing power.

I found love 2 months later. Unexpected. I knew he and i will come together again but i never expected that he would ask me to be his girlfriend that quick. Just in the first reconciliation/reconnection meet-up. I never thought i would open to accept and give love. I wasn’t afraid at all. I am filled with joy and i am feeling calm. I didn’t know how it works but I managed to love someone so dearly without fear as if those heartache in the past never occurred.

Refreshing. I feel rejuvenated. I am amazed. This is what 2020 about for me. The pandemic was certainly a blessings in disguise to me.

I also fixed my relationship with my dad. After 1 year of not seeing and talking to each other.

My life is complete. I feel complete. I am blessed and grateful. I am surrounded by the people i love. My parents, siblings, boyfriend and closed friends. It all just got fixed like that. Like how did that happen? Where went wrong before?

Family constellation

I joined the family constellation free online course on Thursday. It was eye-opening, interesting and practical. Coming from a broken family, i can totally relate to the content. They were right on point. But i must caution some parts maybe difficult to digest as it can get emotional for someone like me as we tried to live in denial and ignore reality/facts.

Day 6: Self Care

We often associate self-care with spa  and salon treatment. Physical appearance. But reality it goes beyond physical as our exterior is a projection of our interior state.

Part of this would include prioritising yourself and knowing when to say no because we need to re-charge, we need to know our boundaries and limits. Going beyond this may result in self-conflict and state of unhappiness.

4 things to consider:

• Be impeccable with out words: What we say about ourself matters. Avoid gossiping. In other words, about taking bad about others and always say kind words.
• Don’t take things personally: People are also dealing with their own issues. At times, it could be more of a projection of their problems than ours. Don’t let other people words to define ourself.
• Don’t make assumptions: Well I think partly this could lead to false/bias judgement.
• Always do our best: Because this is when we know our limit and to decide when to move on

We must always remember that what we focus on expands.

We must also know what brings us joy and focus on that. For me:

1. Being alone to re-charge, listening to music or watching netflix/youtube
2. Cleaning my room because I like to see my space neat/organised and I feel at peace
3. Working out
4. Having brunch with my friends once a while
5. Being surrounded by positive people who constantly motivate us. Unfortunately throughout my past experience, the world is full of shallow people. Hence pick our tribe/circle carefully.

Day 5: Honour The Self

On removing self-doubt, knowing that you are worthy of love.

List of self-doubts:

1. Not saving enough for rainy days
2. Not good enough for current job
3. Not looking goof enough to attract love
4. Not demonstrating good attitude to attract people into myself and to stay
5. Not doing enough to make my parents happy

How/Where do I see myself in 5 years time:

1. Being married to a wonderful man. Someone who accept me for who I am, someone who is supportive, respectful and understanding, someone who trust me and proud to be with me. He gives me peace of mind and heart. I could be myself without holding back. He is my friend, partner in crime, personal adviser and travel buddy
2. Having adorable happy and healthy children, who are energetic, respectful and intelligent.
3. Having a career that gives me a sense of fulfillment in life, that I could empower others and help others through my work.
4. Having a beautiful house and cars that it makes me proud of myself and provide protection to my family
5. Having enough savings and investment that I no longer worry about retirement
6. Having wonderful supportive trustworthy circle of friends, that we meet up atleast once a month, workout together and brunch.
7. My family stops arguing and more relaxed. More trusting each other.

What are the things to do to honour self-doubt?

1. To recognise my strengths and focus on it
2. To embraxe my flaw and pick an area to improve
3. To constantly meditate to manifest my affirmation
4. To write journal to check on my feelings
5. To have faith that everything will be fine
6. To take a step back whenever I lost my composure
7. To look after myself by eating right and drinking more water

Today’s meditation was relaxing.

Day 4: Forgiveness

Negative feelings like guilt, anger, sadness, resentment are all exuding low energy. Shame apparently is the lowest vibrational frequency in human being’s emotional spectrum. Wow! that’s how normally feel.

We must forgive in order to detach from past stories and definition. I guessed it is a form of accepting and letting go.

Buddha emphasised a lot on forgiveness, as he believes:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intend of throwing it at someone else, but you are the one who gets burn”

“You will not be punished for your anger, but you will be punished by your anger”.

Today’s exercise is to list out what/who do we want to forgive?

1. I forgive my past self for all the mistakes I have done. I know I couldn’t turn back turn and un-do everything. Hence I must accept it and learned lessons from it.
2. I forgive my parents for abandoning me and focusing on their new marriage/family.
3. I forgive my ex-fiancee and last ex-boyfriend for making my difficult to love and be loved.
4. I forgive those who humiliated me, downgraded me, judged me lowly, spoken ill of me, spreading lies and rumors, and abandon me when I needed help.
5. I forgive my ex-bosses for not defending me.
6. I forgive my colleagues and ex-colleague for abandoning me and ignoring me/excluding me in most activities.

Next, list of forgiveness to ask from:

1. I ask my dad to forgive me for constantly upsetting him. Failing to live up to his expectations. I know I am a disgrace.
2. I ask my 2nd ex boyfriend for forgiveness for cheating on him.
3. I ask my 3rd ex boss for forgiveness for not keeping my words to join him, but he must understand that I did it because I do not want him to take me because of the shareholder. He must take me because of what I could do or add value.
4. I ask my mom for forgiveness for all the nasty words I throw at her.
5. I ask my youngest brother for forgiveness for all the fights I got into with my mom that distract his inner peace.
6. I ask BHF’s  and Faiz’ wife for forgiveness for cheating with their husband.
7. I ask myself for forgiveness for never look after myself, neglecting to love myself, never prioritising my needs and feelings and for failing in setting boundaries, as well as frequently making it tired.

During today’s meditation, we invited all the people that we want to forgive and ask for forgiveness in the session. Then, we faced our inner child to ask for her forgiveness. Tiring session. Too much emotion. Didn’t cry but those tsunami of resentments and anger and frustration! Gosh, they need to passed. Once and for all.