I welcome 2021 with plenty of tears. Never in my life my new year has been so painful, hurtful and shameful. I feel rejected and unloved. Troubled. Complicated. Difficult to be loved.

My career is going south. my relationship is a total failure. my family is pretty much non-existence. I am just me alone in this world.

I live a failed life. I didn’t know where went wrong but i feel like an object rather than human. People are just using me. Noone cares about how i feel, how i was doing, have i eaten, how was my day, how is my work, what did i do today.

My life is so empty. I feel so sick and painful. I am tired. Tired of trying. Tired of judgement. I feel totally hopeless. I don’t even know why was j born i in this world or why would people give birth to a living being and made them face this world alone.

I just want to leave and go far. Far away from everyone. Just far.

Dec 2020

I got my heartbroken in 2020. Uncertainties in career. Got fooled multiple ties. Being used like an object. Fighting the bias subtle racism at workplace. I have never envisaged my life to be this way in 2020. Failed and lonely in every aspects.

I am tired. Please pray that I die. So that i can be at peace or atleast people around me can be at peace.

Alexis

Every guy that i got closed with, who leave a print in my heart has a unique nickname. Their nickname could be based on their hobby, habit, special food, work nature, place of living etc.

I met Alexis over 3 years ago. It was love at first sight. Well for me at least. Alexis because it was the first place we dined and where we got into awkward situation that led to almost a year of no communication. But i never forget him. The feelings remained. I dated and still think of him. The thought of him often crosses my mind. I knew he doesn’t feel the same way and prefers to remain friend. But as we got closer, the feeling gets stronger. I keep on falling in love when i see him and still bearing the same emotion til now even after 3 years. I am struggling with this feeling and i dont know how will it end or will it ever end.

He made me the person i have been searching for. Bringing the best out of me. I always wanted to touch him. Hug him. Stare at his face. Hopefully wake up in the morning in his arm someday.

This Is It

I will be 37 in 2 months. Single. No relationship. No career. Still struggling to break the glass ceiling, despite working hard. No network. Nothing branded. Same old car. Same old place where I grew up.

I am an overseas graduate. A scholar. But i pretty much fail in life. Stagnant career. Still searching for window of opportunities. I never pictured my 37 year old life to be mediocre. I always imagined i would have settled down with kids and high flying career. Wearing nice clothes and carrying my dream handbag. Classy stylish elegant. A mentor to others. I thought. Or i wished. But hard work brings you nowhere.

You must learn to fake happiness, politeness and confidence. I am pretty much done trying and pleasing. I have no love. I crave to be loved. To be desired. To be a pride to my partner. I am tired.

I tried to be nice. Kind. Friendly. Low profile. But these are the wrong values in life to adopt in order to be successful.

Noone truly cares how i feel. Whether i am sad. Lonely. Disappointed. Whether i need someone. Companionship. Relationship.

People are just using others. Especially if they noticed how keen you are to be recognised. Acknowledged. To be part of a tribe or clique.

In the end you need to set your boundaries and limits. Whether it is worth the sacrifice. The waiting. The patience. The explanation. The cancellations. Sometimes you must decide to move alone.

Life is lonely. Bias. Ruthless. Cruel.

Blessed 2020

I started my healing journey in April during the movement control order. I was stressed, in pain, hurt. I was filled with anger, resentment, guilt and shame. All sorts of negative emotions. You name it, they were there in me.

Although i was sceptical at the beginning but i was adamant of healing. Changing myself. Learning to appreciate myself, my life, my surroundings.

In the process of healing, i joined online courses and workshop on self-love, family constellation, meditations and chakra opening and balancing. I learned so many things from things that I used to take for granted. It was eye opening. I developed new interest in crystals. Learning about their healing power.

I found love 2 months later. Unexpected. I knew he and i will come together again but i never expected that he would ask me to be his girlfriend that quick. Just in the first reconciliation/reconnection meet-up. I never thought i would open to accept and give love. I wasn’t afraid at all. I am filled with joy and i am feeling calm. I didn’t know how it works but I managed to love someone so dearly without fear as if those heartache in the past never occurred.

Refreshing. I feel rejuvenated. I am amazed. This is what 2020 about for me. The pandemic was certainly a blessings in disguise to me.

I also fixed my relationship with my dad. After 1 year of not seeing and talking to each other.

My life is complete. I feel complete. I am blessed and grateful. I am surrounded by the people i love. My parents, siblings, boyfriend and closed friends. It all just got fixed like that. Like how did that happen? Where went wrong before?

Family constellation

I joined the family constellation free online course on Thursday. It was eye-opening, interesting and practical. Coming from a broken family, i can totally relate to the content. They were right on point. But i must caution some parts maybe difficult to digest as it can get emotional for someone like me as we tried to live in denial and ignore reality/facts.

Drift In Change

Change isn’t easy. Requires commitment, change of mindset, perseverance and motivation. Having the right support system is also important to keep us motivated and to remind us of our goals. We tend to fall back to our habit. There is a constant war inside me between what I normally do and what I want to do for better life’s perspective.

I had to constantly check on my feelings and thoughts to validate the current feelings or thoughts. Transforming it from negative to positive because energy flows to what we focus on or we attract what we believe. I must keep my faith stronger than my fear. Stop making excuses when things go wrong or didn’t go they way I expected.

A Period Of Major Transformation

This healing journey isn’t easy. I has been over a week. There is a constant war in your mind and personality. At one end you wanted so badly to change your life, trying your best to remain optimistic, whilst another end, you fall back to your old habit of building up this negative thoughts and emotions, especially when you started thinking about your past. You need to be strong to go against the usual norm. Converting negativity into positivity. Always looking at the bright side. Not being suspicious. Seeing the beauty in others.

Well, frankly speaking, I always try to see the beauty in others and I firmly believe that if we have nothing nice to say about others or to others, then best to say nothing. Why hurt others with our words? Unfortunately not everybody thinks this way. We are often too quick to form judgement of others, as if we are so perfect and pure.

I truly value this mco period. A period of major change and transformation. The usual norm will change. A period of reflecting on our life. Whether we have done enough contributions to the people we love and our community. Reflecting on what truly matters in life. Definitely not those glamourous glitzy insta-life or the material world we have been chasing after. But Instead our family, the people we love, our true friends, those who truly care to reach out to us.

Day 7: Choosing Love Over Fear

Focusing on where we are coming from than where we are heading.

I feel that this is about being present. Focusing on now. We don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow and the past has passed.

My concern after this would be how do I sustain this healing journey. What I have gone through for 7 days of the course. Being a normal human being, we have the tendency to fall into our old habits. Things that we constantly do eventually becomes habit and part of our life and this includes negative thoughts, negative self-talk and negative feelings. Hence, we need to have a daily ritual to change our habit.

My first baby step would be daily affirmation. One upon waking up from sleep and one before going to bed, as well as to list 5 things that I am grateful about for the day. We need to start our day with positive habit and end our day by programming our sub-conscious mind to remain positive while we are sleeping. We also need to activate our self-awareness/realisation on how lucky we are/our life is. Most importantly is to break the vicious pattern. I hope I could at least do this for 30 days, then continue to another 30 days and so forth.

Wish me luck!

 

Day 6: Self Care

We often associate self-care with spa  and salon treatment. Physical appearance. But reality it goes beyond physical as our exterior is a projection of our interior state.

Part of this would include prioritising yourself and knowing when to say no because we need to re-charge, we need to know our boundaries and limits. Going beyond this may result in self-conflict and state of unhappiness.

4 things to consider:

• Be impeccable with out words: What we say about ourself matters. Avoid gossiping. In other words, about taking bad about others and always say kind words.
• Don’t take things personally: People are also dealing with their own issues. At times, it could be more of a projection of their problems than ours. Don’t let other people words to define ourself.
• Don’t make assumptions: Well I think partly this could lead to false/bias judgement.
• Always do our best: Because this is when we know our limit and to decide when to move on

We must always remember that what we focus on expands.

We must also know what brings us joy and focus on that. For me:

1. Being alone to re-charge, listening to music or watching netflix/youtube
2. Cleaning my room because I like to see my space neat/organised and I feel at peace
3. Working out
4. Having brunch with my friends once a while
5. Being surrounded by positive people who constantly motivate us. Unfortunately throughout my past experience, the world is full of shallow people. Hence pick our tribe/circle carefully.