Blessed 2020

I started my healing journey in April during the movement control order. I was stressed, in pain, hurt. I was filled with anger, resentment, guilt and shame. All sorts of negative emotions. You name it, they were there in me.

Although i was sceptical at the beginning but i was adamant of healing. Changing myself. Learning to appreciate myself, my life, my surroundings.

In the process of healing, i joined online courses and workshop on self-love, family constellation, meditations and chakra opening and balancing. I learned so many things from things that I used to take for granted. It was eye opening. I developed new interest in crystals. Learning about their healing power.

I found love 2 months later. Unexpected. I knew he and i will come together again but i never expected that he would ask me to be his girlfriend that quick. Just in the first reconciliation/reconnection meet-up. I never thought i would open to accept and give love. I wasn’t afraid at all. I am filled with joy and i am feeling calm. I didn’t know how it works but I managed to love someone so dearly without fear as if those heartache in the past never occurred.

Refreshing. I feel rejuvenated. I am amazed. This is what 2020 about for me. The pandemic was certainly a blessings in disguise to me.

I also fixed my relationship with my dad. After 1 year of not seeing and talking to each other.

My life is complete. I feel complete. I am blessed and grateful. I am surrounded by the people i love. My parents, siblings, boyfriend and closed friends. It all just got fixed like that. Like how did that happen? Where went wrong before?

Family constellation

I joined the family constellation free online course on Thursday. It was eye-opening, interesting and practical. Coming from a broken family, i can totally relate to the content. They were right on point. But i must caution some parts maybe difficult to digest as it can get emotional for someone like me as we tried to live in denial and ignore reality/facts.

Drift In Change

Change isn’t easy. Requires commitment, change of mindset, perseverance and motivation. Having the right support system is also important to keep us motivated and to remind us of our goals. We tend to fall back to our habit. There is a constant war inside me between what I normally do and what I want to do for better life’s perspective.

I had to constantly check on my feelings and thoughts to validate the current feelings or thoughts. Transforming it from negative to positive because energy flows to what we focus on or we attract what we believe. I must keep my faith stronger than my fear. Stop making excuses when things go wrong or didn’t go they way I expected.

A Period Of Major Transformation

This healing journey isn’t easy. I has been over a week. There is a constant war in your mind and personality. At one end you wanted so badly to change your life, trying your best to remain optimistic, whilst another end, you fall back to your old habit of building up this negative thoughts and emotions, especially when you started thinking about your past. You need to be strong to go against the usual norm. Converting negativity into positivity. Always looking at the bright side. Not being suspicious. Seeing the beauty in others.

Well, frankly speaking, I always try to see the beauty in others and I firmly believe that if we have nothing nice to say about others or to others, then best to say nothing. Why hurt others with our words? Unfortunately not everybody thinks this way. We are often too quick to form judgement of others, as if we are so perfect and pure.

I truly value this mco period. A period of major change and transformation. The usual norm will change. A period of reflecting on our life. Whether we have done enough contributions to the people we love and our community. Reflecting on what truly matters in life. Definitely not those glamourous glitzy insta-life or the material world we have been chasing after. But Instead our family, the people we love, our true friends, those who truly care to reach out to us.

Day 7: Choosing Love Over Fear

Focusing on where we are coming from than where we are heading.

I feel that this is about being present. Focusing on now. We don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow and the past has passed.

My concern after this would be how do I sustain this healing journey. What I have gone through for 7 days of the course. Being a normal human being, we have the tendency to fall into our old habits. Things that we constantly do eventually becomes habit and part of our life and this includes negative thoughts, negative self-talk and negative feelings. Hence, we need to have a daily ritual to change our habit.

My first baby step would be daily affirmation. One upon waking up from sleep and one before going to bed, as well as to list 5 things that I am grateful about for the day. We need to start our day with positive habit and end our day by programming our sub-conscious mind to remain positive while we are sleeping. We also need to activate our self-awareness/realisation on how lucky we are/our life is. Most importantly is to break the vicious pattern. I hope I could at least do this for 30 days, then continue to another 30 days and so forth.

Wish me luck!

 

Day 6: Self Care

We often associate self-care with spa  and salon treatment. Physical appearance. But reality it goes beyond physical as our exterior is a projection of our interior state.

Part of this would include prioritising yourself and knowing when to say no because we need to re-charge, we need to know our boundaries and limits. Going beyond this may result in self-conflict and state of unhappiness.

4 things to consider:

• Be impeccable with out words: What we say about ourself matters. Avoid gossiping. In other words, about taking bad about others and always say kind words.
• Don’t take things personally: People are also dealing with their own issues. At times, it could be more of a projection of their problems than ours. Don’t let other people words to define ourself.
• Don’t make assumptions: Well I think partly this could lead to false/bias judgement.
• Always do our best: Because this is when we know our limit and to decide when to move on

We must always remember that what we focus on expands.

We must also know what brings us joy and focus on that. For me:

1. Being alone to re-charge, listening to music or watching netflix/youtube
2. Cleaning my room because I like to see my space neat/organised and I feel at peace
3. Working out
4. Having brunch with my friends once a while
5. Being surrounded by positive people who constantly motivate us. Unfortunately throughout my past experience, the world is full of shallow people. Hence pick our tribe/circle carefully.

Day 5: Honour The Self

On removing self-doubt, knowing that you are worthy of love.

List of self-doubts:

1. Not saving enough for rainy days
2. Not good enough for current job
3. Not looking goof enough to attract love
4. Not demonstrating good attitude to attract people into myself and to stay
5. Not doing enough to make my parents happy

How/Where do I see myself in 5 years time:

1. Being married to a wonderful man. Someone who accept me for who I am, someone who is supportive, respectful and understanding, someone who trust me and proud to be with me. He gives me peace of mind and heart. I could be myself without holding back. He is my friend, partner in crime, personal adviser and travel buddy
2. Having adorable happy and healthy children, who are energetic, respectful and intelligent.
3. Having a career that gives me a sense of fulfillment in life, that I could empower others and help others through my work.
4. Having a beautiful house and cars that it makes me proud of myself and provide protection to my family
5. Having enough savings and investment that I no longer worry about retirement
6. Having wonderful supportive trustworthy circle of friends, that we meet up atleast once a month, workout together and brunch.
7. My family stops arguing and more relaxed. More trusting each other.

What are the things to do to honour self-doubt?

1. To recognise my strengths and focus on it
2. To embraxe my flaw and pick an area to improve
3. To constantly meditate to manifest my affirmation
4. To write journal to check on my feelings
5. To have faith that everything will be fine
6. To take a step back whenever I lost my composure
7. To look after myself by eating right and drinking more water

Today’s meditation was relaxing.

Day 4: Forgiveness

Negative feelings like guilt, anger, sadness, resentment are all exuding low energy. Shame apparently is the lowest vibrational frequency in human being’s emotional spectrum. Wow! that’s how normally feel.

We must forgive in order to detach from past stories and definition. I guessed it is a form of accepting and letting go.

Buddha emphasised a lot on forgiveness, as he believes:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intend of throwing it at someone else, but you are the one who gets burn”

“You will not be punished for your anger, but you will be punished by your anger”.

Today’s exercise is to list out what/who do we want to forgive?

1. I forgive my past self for all the mistakes I have done. I know I couldn’t turn back turn and un-do everything. Hence I must accept it and learned lessons from it.
2. I forgive my parents for abandoning me and focusing on their new marriage/family.
3. I forgive my ex-fiancee and last ex-boyfriend for making my difficult to love and be loved.
4. I forgive those who humiliated me, downgraded me, judged me lowly, spoken ill of me, spreading lies and rumors, and abandon me when I needed help.
5. I forgive my ex-bosses for not defending me.
6. I forgive my colleagues and ex-colleague for abandoning me and ignoring me/excluding me in most activities.

Next, list of forgiveness to ask from:

1. I ask my dad to forgive me for constantly upsetting him. Failing to live up to his expectations. I know I am a disgrace.
2. I ask my 2nd ex boyfriend for forgiveness for cheating on him.
3. I ask my 3rd ex boss for forgiveness for not keeping my words to join him, but he must understand that I did it because I do not want him to take me because of the shareholder. He must take me because of what I could do or add value.
4. I ask my mom for forgiveness for all the nasty words I throw at her.
5. I ask my youngest brother for forgiveness for all the fights I got into with my mom that distract his inner peace.
6. I ask BHF’s  and Faiz’ wife for forgiveness for cheating with their husband.
7. I ask myself for forgiveness for never look after myself, neglecting to love myself, never prioritising my needs and feelings and for failing in setting boundaries, as well as frequently making it tired.

During today’s meditation, we invited all the people that we want to forgive and ask for forgiveness in the session. Then, we faced our inner child to ask for her forgiveness. Tiring session. Too much emotion. Didn’t cry but those tsunami of resentments and anger and frustration! Gosh, they need to passed. Once and for all.

Day 3: Acceptance & Acknowledge The Ego

“I see my parents as tiny children who need love. I have compassion for my parents’ childhoods. I now know that I chose them because they were perfect for what I had to learn. I forgive them and set them free, and I set myself free” – Louise Hay-

Today we were told to accept those who made us angry, upset or set us in resentment. I couldn’t. This is difficult. Because even if I do, they continue to act the same way and eventually it will trigger again. Sigh….True enough, I got into ugly fight with my mom today. Just way too ugly. I don’t know how to help myself.

But for the exercise, we must list down the things that we are accepting (Find – eyes rolled). For me, they are:

1. I accept my imperfect self. Full of flaw and mistakes. Damaged and broken. Filled with past sins and dishonesty.
2. I accept my parents for the abandonment they put me. For a fact that I was sideline in their new marriage.
3. I accept my skin color which I constantly hate and ashamed of. I always wish of being born fair so that I didn’t have to consume all these rubbish whitening products that only work temporarily. What a waste of money.
4. I accept my fickleness and indecisiveness.
5. I accept my current circle of friends. Not huge but reliable.
6. I accept my current work environment. Not great but well atleast I have a job.
7. I accept that HR had turned down my bosses’ proposal to promote me.
8. I accept the fact that I am not as successful as I aspire to be or envisage myself to be in my 30s

During today’s meditation I fall asleep deeply like til 3am. I have been having trouble to sleep in the last several weeks. So I value last night’s meditation.

Day 2: Mirror Wall

Day 2 session started with coincidence. As the coach briefly brought up about some of the feedback she received after yesterday’s session, I startled. Some of the participants actually did meet or see their inner child during meditation. Well I didn’t but per my earlier post, I discovered the root cause to the issues of my inner child while spring cleaning the library.

I was a bit lost at the beginning of today’s session on ‘Mirror Wall – Removing Block’. As she explained to us about the topic and our exercise. I wondered how do I know what are the things that I am projecting that I am seeing some of this unpleasant character in certain people. I must say that I struggled in attempting today’s exercise as we were told to do the following:

1. List the person that drain our energy or triggered us or obsessed with
2. What are the characteristics in them that triggered us or that bothered us?
3. How do they make us feel?
4. Lastly, to send them/write blessings for each of them.

Basically the exterior that we see is a reflection of our inner beings. It could probably be our weaknesses or our pet peeves or insecurities?

My findings for Q1 & Q2:

1. Ain – Backstabbing, looking down at others and humiliate a person in front of others
2. TSY – Arrogant, looking down at others, think she is the smartest
3. Jai – Gaslighting, not trustworthy, blabber
4. Zul – Materialistic, Downgrading others, never honor his words
5. Mom – Selfish, Lunatic, Irresponsible, Ignorant, Not trustworthy, Focus so much on others instead of own family, Require so much of external validation, Emphasis too much on physical looks
6. Dad – Narcissistic, Dictator, Everyone and everything is wrong except for him, Always negative, Always worry, Constantly create unnecessary fear or worst case scenario, Failed to understand kids’ strengths, Failed to empower own children, Never there when needed cos he thought it is always about money but sometimes I only need advice or opinion.
7. Step dad – Useless, conman, irresponsible
8. Eva – Rude, arrogant, looking down at others, likes to talk bad about others so that people will join her in hating that person

My findings for Q3:

1. Ain – I feel humiliated, not worthy/good enough, useless, lost, stupid, extremely low energy and self-conscious
2. TSY – I feel stupid, extremely low energy and self-conscious
3. Jai – I feel betrayed
4. Zul – I feel useless, low class, unreliable
5. Mom – I feel extremely angry filled with so much hatred that I wish she dies. I couldn’t respect her and totally ignoring her presence. I also feel like she betrayed her own children and abandon them the moment she married my stepdad.
6. Dad – I feel both angry and sad at the same time, abandoned and demotivated/low energy being around him.
7. Step dad – I loathe him and I want him to die, hopefully he gets infected by covid19.
8. Eva – I feel stupid, extremely low energy and self-conscious

Giving my blessings for Q4:

1. Ain – I blessed you with empathy, compassion and humility. May you find your self-worth/security and strength of being alone.
2. TSY – I blessed you with empathy and humility. May you find your compassion.
3. Jai – I blessed you with humility and honesty. May you find ways to be trustworthy and strength of being alone
4. Zul – I blessed you with empathy and humility. May you find your compassion.
5. Mom – I blessed you with all the love in this world. May you find your inner peace, happiness, purpose of having children and optimism in life. May god always protect you and guide you to the right path.
6. Dad – I blessed you with all the love in this world, sense of security and optimism in every situation. May you stop worrying, have faith in god’s plan, find your inner peace and happiness in your new family. May god always protect you and guide you to the right path.
7. Stepdad – I blessed you with the purest heart in this world. May you find the purpose in life.
8. Eva – I blessed you with empathy and humility. May you find your compassion, discover the beauty of silence and strength of being alone

We ended the session with meditation. I normally have troubled meditating and never have the patience for it. My mind is always busy elsewhere, thinking about what I should do next or when is the next deadline or mental planning the schedule/tasks for tomorrow. Today was different. Although initially my mind did wander slightly but I managed to pull it back to focus on the coach’s instruction. It was..I couldn’t explained the feeling..’surreal’ maybe? because I could really visualised myself as we were told too. Seeing the bright light, the majestic door. I picture that it was a shiny gold-plated huge door with detailed carving of flowers. As the door opens, I could see a beautiful well-manicured spacious garden with colorful flowers with gold-plated garden deco here and there. I walked to the big mirror as we were told. Well the mirror has shiny gold-plated frame. I saw them but some were missing:

1. Ain – I saw Ain and she was looking uncomfortable. She avoided eye contacts.
2. TSY – I didn’t see TSY at all. Not even a glimpse.
3. Jai – I saw Jai. He was staring at me with both hatred and love. It was confusing.
4. Zul – His image was vivid. Not significant.
5. Mom – I saw my mom looking joyful. She was happy to see me, smiling widely and bubbly. I saw a lot of love projected from her
6. Dad – I saw my dad looking gloomy or worry. Always worry.
7. Stepdad – I saw my stepdad but not as a human. Looking like a wicked witch trying to hide from me and avoided eye contacts.
8. Eva – I didn’t see TSY at all. Not even a glimpse.

Then I went closer to my mom and dad. The rests were far at the background. As the image of my parents became clearer, I broke into tears. I discovered how much I love them. My mom was behaving like before she married my step dad. The woman that I know who raised me and not the woman that I am living with now. Although my parents have separated, I could see that they still love each other. Of course, I am also guilty to my dad for always disappointing him and being rude to him. He concerned on financial security was primarily because he lived in poverty as a kid. Hardcore poverty. I failed to show my gratitude to him. I guessed next, I need to work on my relationship with my parents but the question is how? I am clueless……

I am still tearing as I am typing this post. Such an emotional session and I feel exhausted.

“The basic realisation that other people can’t possibly be your problem. That it’s your thoughts about them that are the problem. This realisation it is huge. This one insight will shake your world from top to bottom” – by Byron Katie according to the coach.