Dancing Daydreamer Under The Rainbow
Come..Laugh & Cry With Me..
I pray to god to ease my transfer process and to always protect me. i pray to god that i am always patience, calm and decisive.
I pray to god to not make me suffer from all the sins that i have committed, to forgive me and to always guide me to the right path.
I pray to god that i will never stop praying
I got my heartbroken in 2020. Uncertainties in career. Got fooled multiple ties. Being used like an object. Fighting the bias subtle racism at workplace. I have never envisaged my life to be this way in 2020. Failed and lonely in every aspects.
I am tired. Please pray that I die. So that i can be at peace or atleast people around me can be at peace.
Every guy that i got closed with, who leave a print in my heart has a unique nickname. Their nickname could be based on their hobby, habit, special food, work nature, place of living etc.
I met Alexis over 3 years ago. It was love at first sight. Well for me at least. Alexis because it was the first place we dined and where we got into awkward situation that led to almost a year of no communication. But i never forget him. The feelings remained. I dated and still think of him. The thought of him often crosses my mind. I knew he doesn’t feel the same way and prefers to remain friend. But as we got closer, the feeling gets stronger. I keep on falling in love when i see him and still bearing the same emotion til now even after 3 years. I am struggling with this feeling and i dont know how will it end or will it ever end.
He made me the person i have been searching for. Bringing the best out of me. I always wanted to touch him. Hug him. Stare at his face. Hopefully wake up in the morning in his arm someday.
I will be 37 in 2 months. Single. No relationship. No career. Still struggling to break the glass ceiling, despite working hard. No network. Nothing branded. Same old car. Same old place where I grew up.
I am an overseas graduate. A scholar. But i pretty much fail in life. Stagnant career. Still searching for window of opportunities. I never pictured my 37 year old life to be mediocre. I always imagined i would have settled down with kids and high flying career. Wearing nice clothes and carrying my dream handbag. Classy stylish elegant. A mentor to others. I thought. Or i wished. But hard work brings you nowhere.
You must learn to fake happiness, politeness and confidence. I am pretty much done trying and pleasing. I have no love. I crave to be loved. To be desired. To be a pride to my partner. I am tired.
I tried to be nice. Kind. Friendly. Low profile. But these are the wrong values in life to adopt in order to be successful.
Noone truly cares how i feel. Whether i am sad. Lonely. Disappointed. Whether i need someone. Companionship. Relationship.
People are just using others. Especially if they noticed how keen you are to be recognised. Acknowledged. To be part of a tribe or clique.
In the end you need to set your boundaries and limits. Whether it is worth the sacrifice. The waiting. The patience. The explanation. The cancellations. Sometimes you must decide to move alone.
Life is lonely. Bias. Ruthless. Cruel.
I want love and to be loved.
I want someone who is proud to have me. Someone who wants to share experiences with me and create memories together. Someone who loves me so much that he will never let me go. Someone who plans thing and make it work. Someone who wants to know whats in my mind without getting offended and someone who allows me to be myself. Someone who values my effort and sacrifices. Someone who doesnt take me for granted. Someone who is supportive of my career and pushes me to be a better person. Someone who is reliable and protective of me. Someone grounded.
I started my healing journey in April during the movement control order. I was stressed, in pain, hurt. I was filled with anger, resentment, guilt and shame. All sorts of negative emotions. You name it, they were there in me.
Although i was sceptical at the beginning but i was adamant of healing. Changing myself. Learning to appreciate myself, my life, my surroundings.
In the process of healing, i joined online courses and workshop on self-love, family constellation, meditations and chakra opening and balancing. I learned so many things from things that I used to take for granted. It was eye opening. I developed new interest in crystals. Learning about their healing power.
I found love 2 months later. Unexpected. I knew he and i will come together again but i never expected that he would ask me to be his girlfriend that quick. Just in the first reconciliation/reconnection meet-up. I never thought i would open to accept and give love. I wasn’t afraid at all. I am filled with joy and i am feeling calm. I didn’t know how it works but I managed to love someone so dearly without fear as if those heartache in the past never occurred.
Refreshing. I feel rejuvenated. I am amazed. This is what 2020 about for me. The pandemic was certainly a blessings in disguise to me.
I also fixed my relationship with my dad. After 1 year of not seeing and talking to each other.
My life is complete. I feel complete. I am blessed and grateful. I am surrounded by the people i love. My parents, siblings, boyfriend and closed friends. It all just got fixed like that. Like how did that happen? Where went wrong before?
I received my crystals earlier this week. They were tiger’s eye, black tourmaline and citrine. I bought them based on what I think I needed. Root and solar plexus chakra.
After cleaning them, I suddenly felt an extremely intense conflict in energy. They were my first. I have only heard about the energy of crystals and never truly know whether to believe them or otherwise. I felt overpower. So I decided to put them back in the water with himalayan salts. It helps to neutralise the energy. Slightly.
The next day, I had to throw them away as I couldn’t handle the energy. I felt anxious and paranoid.
Several days later I chatted with someone on IG. That person posted something about crystal. I told her about my experience and she asked me. What color am I attracted to when I look at crystals. I replied blue and green. But they are not my favourite colors certainly as I dont look good in them. So she explained the issue is my throat and heart chakra. Spot on though.
From that experienced, I learned that we buy crystals based on attraction and not on the premise of thinking that we need them. Even if we need them, we need to get the one that we are drawn too. I guessed is because we will form a relationship with the crystal. Hence there has got to be some level of attraction as we need to care and nurture them, whilst they help to heal ourself/environment or manifest our intention.
Yet I am still traumatised from this experience and need the the space to recover. I am also beginning to believe in the energy of crystal as I have felt it.
Focusing on where we are coming from than where we are heading.
I feel that this is about being present. Focusing on now. We don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow and the past has passed.
My concern after this would be how do I sustain this healing journey. What I have gone through for 7 days of the course. Being a normal human being, we have the tendency to fall into our old habits. Things that we constantly do eventually becomes habit and part of our life and this includes negative thoughts, negative self-talk and negative feelings. Hence, we need to have a daily ritual to change our habit.
My first baby step would be daily affirmation. One upon waking up from sleep and one before going to bed, as well as to list 5 things that I am grateful about for the day. We need to start our day with positive habit and end our day by programming our sub-conscious mind to remain positive while we are sleeping. We also need to activate our self-awareness/realisation on how lucky we are/our life is. Most importantly is to break the vicious pattern. I hope I could at least do this for 30 days, then continue to another 30 days and so forth.
Wish me luck!
On removing self-doubt, knowing that you are worthy of love.
List of self-doubts:
How/Where do I see myself in 5 years time:
What are the things to do to honour self-doubt?
Today’s meditation was relaxing.
Negative feelings like guilt, anger, sadness, resentment are all exuding low energy. Shame apparently is the lowest vibrational frequency in human being’s emotional spectrum. Wow! that’s how normally feel.
We must forgive in order to detach from past stories and definition. I guessed it is a form of accepting and letting go.
Buddha emphasised a lot on forgiveness, as he believes:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intend of throwing it at someone else, but you are the one who gets burn”
“You will not be punished for your anger, but you will be punished by your anger”.
Today’s exercise is to list out what/who do we want to forgive?
Next, list of forgiveness to ask from:
During today’s meditation, we invited all the people that we want to forgive and ask for forgiveness in the session. Then, we faced our inner child to ask for her forgiveness. Tiring session. Too much emotion. Didn’t cry but those tsunami of resentments and anger and frustration! Gosh, they need to passed. Once and for all.
Dancing Daydreamer Under The Rainbow 