Day 2 session started with coincidence. As the coach briefly brought up about some of the feedback she received after yesterday’s session, I startled. Some of the participants actually did meet or see their inner child during meditation. Well I didn’t but per my earlier post, I discovered the root cause to the issues of my inner child while spring cleaning the library.
I was a bit lost at the beginning of today’s session on ‘Mirror Wall – Removing Block’. As she explained to us about the topic and our exercise. I wondered how do I know what are the things that I am projecting that I am seeing some of this unpleasant character in certain people. I must say that I struggled in attempting today’s exercise as we were told to do the following:
- List the person that drain our energy or triggered us or obsessed with
- What are the characteristics in them that triggered us or that bothered us?
- How do they make us feel?
- Lastly, to send them/write blessings for each of them.
Basically the exterior that we see is a reflection of our inner beings. It could probably be our weaknesses or our pet peeves or insecurities?
My findings for Q1 & Q2:
- Ain – Backstabbing, looking down at others and humiliate a person in front of others
- TSY – Arrogant, looking down at others, think she is the smartest
- Jai – Gaslighting, not trustworthy, blabber
- Zul – Materialistic, Downgrading others, never honor his words
- Mom – Selfish, Lunatic, Irresponsible, Ignorant, Not trustworthy, Focus so much on others instead of own family, Require so much of external validation, Emphasis too much on physical looks
- Dad – Narcissistic, Dictator, Everyone and everything is wrong except for him, Always negative, Always worry, Constantly create unnecessary fear or worst case scenario, Failed to understand kids’ strengths, Failed to empower own children, Never there when needed cos he thought it is always about money but sometimes I only need advice or opinion.
- Step dad – Useless, conman, irresponsible
- Eva – Rude, arrogant, looking down at others, likes to talk bad about others so that people will join her in hating that person
My findings for Q3:
- Ain – I feel humiliated, not worthy/good enough, useless, lost, stupid, extremely low energy and self-conscious
- TSY – I feel stupid, extremely low energy and self-conscious
- Jai – I feel betrayed
- Zul – I feel useless, low class, unreliable
- Mom – I feel extremely angry filled with so much hatred that I wish she dies. I couldn’t respect her and totally ignoring her presence. I also feel like she betrayed her own children and abandon them the moment she married my stepdad.
- Dad – I feel both angry and sad at the same time, abandoned and demotivated/low energy being around him.
- Step dad – I loathe him and I want him to die, hopefully he gets infected by covid19.
- Eva – I feel stupid, extremely low energy and self-conscious
Giving my blessings for Q4:
- Ain – I blessed you with empathy, compassion and humility. May you find your self-worth/security and strength of being alone.
- TSY – I blessed you with empathy and humility. May you find your compassion.
- Jai – I blessed you with humility and honesty. May you find ways to be trustworthy and strength of being alone
- Zul – I blessed you with empathy and humility. May you find your compassion.
- Mom – I blessed you with all the love in this world. May you find your inner peace, happiness, purpose of having children and optimism in life. May god always protect you and guide you to the right path.
- Dad – I blessed you with all the love in this world, sense of security and optimism in every situation. May you stop worrying, have faith in god’s plan, find your inner peace and happiness in your new family. May god always protect you and guide you to the right path.
- Stepdad – I blessed you with the purest heart in this world. May you find the purpose in life.
- Eva – I blessed you with empathy and humility. May you find your compassion, discover the beauty of silence and strength of being alone
We ended the session with meditation. I normally have troubled meditating and never have the patience for it. My mind is always busy elsewhere, thinking about what I should do next or when is the next deadline or mental planning the schedule/tasks for tomorrow. Today was different. Although initially my mind did wander slightly but I managed to pull it back to focus on the coach’s instruction. It was..I couldn’t explained the feeling..’surreal’ maybe? because I could really visualised myself as we were told too. Seeing the bright light, the majestic door. I picture that it was a shiny gold-plated huge door with detailed carving of flowers. As the door opens, I could see a beautiful well-manicured spacious garden with colorful flowers with gold-plated garden deco here and there. I walked to the big mirror as we were told. Well the mirror has shiny gold-plated frame. I saw them but some were missing:
- Ain – I saw Ain and she was looking uncomfortable. She avoided eye contacts.
- TSY – I didn’t see TSY at all. Not even a glimpse.
- Jai – I saw Jai. He was staring at me with both hatred and love. It was confusing.
- Zul – His image was vivid. Not significant.
- Mom – I saw my mom looking joyful. She was happy to see me, smiling widely and bubbly. I saw a lot of love projected from her
- Dad – I saw my dad looking gloomy or worry. Always worry.
- Stepdad – I saw my stepdad but not as a human. Looking like a wicked witch trying to hide from me and avoided eye contacts.
- Eva – I didn’t see TSY at all. Not even a glimpse.
Then I went closer to my mom and dad. The rests were far at the background. As the image of my parents became clearer, I broke into tears. I discovered how much I love them. My mom was behaving like before she married my step dad. The woman that I know who raised me and not the woman that I am living with now. Although my parents have separated, I could see that they still love each other. Of course, I am also guilty to my dad for always disappointing him and being rude to him. He concerned on financial security was primarily because he lived in poverty as a kid. Hardcore poverty. I failed to show my gratitude to him. I guessed next, I need to work on my relationship with my parents but the question is how? I am clueless……
I am still tearing as I am typing this post. Such an emotional session and I feel exhausted.
“The basic realisation that other people can’t possibly be your problem. That it’s your thoughts about them that are the problem. This realisation it is huge. This one insight will shake your world from top to bottom” – by Byron Katie according to the coach.