I did some spring cleaning today. Decluttering and throwing away old notes and books. They were from secondary and uni days mostly. Spring cleaning can be considered as part of self-discovery since you will come across past memories and started reminiscing over it. Looking back how life was back then, how you were before you were so broken and damaged. Of course, you would wonder how different could life be if we didn’t make certain decisions or chosen certain paths.
As I traveled back to the past and putting pieces of memories together, I came to discover the inner child in me that struggled in setting boundaries. Well what I am about going to divulge isn’t intended to blame my parents, however to develop understanding as why do I have such unhealthy pattern.
Being raised in an asian muslim family, we were told to obey our parents, not to be rude to them else nothing would go easy with our life, that includes making the parents imposing their values and ambition on you. Basically making you live the life that they wanted instead of having the life that suits you.
I re-called when I received the scholarship by the government to study engineering, my dad fumed. He wanted me to so badly took up medicine. Indeed he filled up all the course choices for my scholarship and matriculation applications, without asking me of what I want or aspire to be or understanding my area of interest. So during the interview I told the interviewer that I wanted to study engineering instead of medicine. I have always been inspired by my dad. I totally looked up to him. He always traveled and dined at expensive restaurants. My dad somehow threatened me to change course, he said he wouldn’t considered me as his daughter if I continued with my choice. I didn’t change. Next he tried to impose similar thing to my first brother and it failed miserably too. We were forced to do what he thinks would secure our future and deemed cool by the society instead of focusing on our interest and our strengths. I felt sorry for my brother initially because science and additional maths aren’t his forte, but he was forced to study them during A-Level. Fortunately later he changed to accounting but obviously, with plenty of drama created by my dad.
This is common among Asian parents and to make it even worst, Muslim parents tend to threaten their children using religion in making them doing what they want or feel right to do. You would be told that you’d be disowned or you’d be told that you’d go to hell for offending your parents or not obeying them. This kind of fear often put the children in dilemma even as an adult, especially when religion is being brought up. We started to be clouded with guilt for a prolonged period of time and at times it made you indecisive.
The Muslim community or Islamic teaching always emphasise that children need to respect/obey their elderly and look after them when they are old. But they also forgotten that children are gifts from god and it is the responsibility of the parents to look after their well-being, which shall include providing shelter, food, education, healthy psychological and emotional surroundings. Respecting the childrens’ feelings, choices and interests.
Since we were also told to respect elderly that includes our grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends to our family, parents tend to neglect the comfort level of their kids being surrounded by these individuals. For example, if the kids refused to be hugged/kissed, the kids will receive scolding and forced to do so despite feeling uncomfortable. I realised such values are absolutely wrong and shouldn’t be compromised. I do wish any religious teachers could highlight this to any parents or in their sermons in regards to the role of parents. Thus far, I have only heard Mufti Menk had brought up this issue. Others especially the locals – none. Parents are teaching their children to compromise people or situation out of the fear of being perceived disrespectful, hence, the failure of setting boundaries.
I know we shouldn’t blame our parents, family or the environment/values that we were brought up. However, we need to understand these eventually form the basis of how we live our adult life. The inner child in us that constantly in dilemma of portraying an act of respect to others or being respectful to our ownself by not entertaining anything that we are not comfortable with or didn’t like at all.
Majority Muslims will disagree with me on this but trust me this is the reality or perhaps one of the many rootcause.
Dancing Daydreamer Under The Rainbow 